{Be Loved} Beautiful Things

by: Jennifer Raymer

Never in my life, from the moment I could understand what my life was about, did I think that God could see me as a “beautiful thing”, HIS beautiful thing.

I walked through life with a sense of darkness around me. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I smiled and played like the rest of the kids around me, but I was full of sadness. My home was not a place where I could run to and feel loved and appreciated. I grew up with a Dad who was an alcoholic and never felt that he loved me. In fact, he made me feel quite the opposite. Words like worthless, annoying, bad, useless…..all swarmed through my head on a daily basis. I just wanted a Dad who loved me. What happened to the whole “Daddy’s Princess” idea? Was that just a fairy that is made up? It’s hard for me to remember being really little, but as I grew into a young teen, I started to realize the hardships I was going to endure.

Each day, I knew that I had to fend for myself. My Mom was there, but she herself was having to deal with so much anguish. I don’t even know how she did it? And I used to question her “Mom, why don’t we run away???” “We can be happy without him.” We were a church going family too! Yeah, imagine that!?! Every Sunday, with our best clothes on, singing the hymns so loud. I always loved my Mom’s voice. It soothed me to see her singing so happily from her heart. I was forced to go to Catechism Classes, which I found so dry and boring. And I couldn’t stop thinking of how wrong this whole picture was??? There had to be more of a God than this?

At the age of 13, I was date raped. Yes, it was awful. I totally lost all hope that I would ever be someone who was worth being truly loved. I turned to men, trying to find that perfect “love”, that would fix everything in my life. Years of running, I found a good guy, only to break up with him and move onto the next one. I seemed to pick guys who had issues. My spirit was crushed. I was a mess. At 20, I became pregnant. Only knew him for 4 months. I instantly loved my baby, and wanted to do the “right thing” and married him. Eight years later, I was divorced and totally lost. Where was this God who I prayed to? My life was full of disappointment.

Well, now I am 38 years old. God is more present in my life than I could ever imagine! You see, He WAS there all along! Standing there with His arms stretched out so wide!!!! I just needed to open my eyes and let His Holy Spirit in. While I was at a retreat called “For the Love”, I realized who my real Father is. His name is Jesus! And He is my Papa! He is the love that I have been searching for since the beginning of my existence. And you know what is so cool??? That He sees me as “PURE!” Me! The day he died on that cross, His blood was shed for my sins. And because of that, I am a beautiful thing. I now can walk feeling free from any darkness and shame from my past. He has made me new!

I also see what forgiveness truly means. Without having been forgiven by our Heavenly Father, I couldn’t understand how to forgive others. Today, I have forgiven the man who hurt me when I was 13. I met him face to face and told him so! Thank you Jesus!!!! And as for my earthly Father, I love him and forgive him too. We have a nice relationship now and I am able to see some really wonderful things he taught me……like my love of birds ☺ God’s love is sovereign enough for me, and so it is for you too!

Isaiah 1:18
“Come now, let us settle the matter, says the Lord. Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are as red as crimson, they will be like wool.”

Song reference:
Beautiful Things by Gungor