{Be Real} Morning by Morning.

“Do you feel God in this moment?”

I buried my head deeper into the pillow and sat in the stillness, that muddy aftermath, the kind that comes from royally messing things up.

“No,” I whispered. “Not really.”

I felt hollowed out, like I’d given pieces of myself away, and the weight of that sacrifice, that compromise, made me feel nothing but guilt, a thick blanket of shame that suffocated all hope, all the good things I knew to be true.

I collapsed into the sobs. Because how could I? How could I betray His love and His grace? How could I let the darkness inside consume me? How could I so easily forget the sacrifice that was made so I could live in the light?

I pledged my life to Him and yet I keep giving bits of myself away to other gods, to idols and temptations and things that only destroy.

Goodness, friends. What about the days that you just don’t feel faithful? The days that the good and faithful servant feels a long way off? The days you fail?

You’ll be cruising along in a steady life, all the pieces in their places, eyes on the goal.

And things will happen. Things that your tiny little hands can’t fix. You will disappoint yourself. Like really let yourself down. You’ll break it. The whole thing. Pieces in shards too sharp to handle, burdens so heavy that you’ll want to pull the covers back up over your head, to protect the world from yourself, to protect yourself from yourself.

And you’ll sit on the floor, tears flowing freely, and say, I don’t know how to put this back together. Why am I so destructive? Why do I continue to destroy the good gifts He gives me?

You’ll feel like your life is a skipping track, a crazy train you can’t escape. The same story over and over, one that starts with Him and ends with you, tripping over your own feet, giving in to the temptation and crossing lines that feel definite.

Can I tell you a secret? This story doesn’t end with you.

This story doesn’t end with you.

This story doesn’t depend on your ability to keep it together. The story doesn’t rely on you for victory. Your failure doesn’t cut this story short.

This story is about Jesus. And He always gets the glory, as I was so gently reminded in my dark hour.

Even when we feel broken and empty and exposed, He steps in and covers us. He is all the things we can never be and He uses our weaknesses to prove His strength and His faithfulness.

And it has nothing to do with what we’ve done or whether or not we feel Him there or not. The truth is that He is present, that He has been and always will be good, regardless of what we do.

His faithfulness towards us is not dependent on our faithfulness toward Him.

His faithfulness isn’t about a feeling. Some days we’ll wake up and not want to face the day, not want to allow Him close, because our mess feels too heavy, too dirty, too much.

And sometimes it’s hard to imagine that anything else could be stronger than the shame.

“If we are faithless, he remains faithful– for he cannot deny himself.” -2 Timothy 2:13

And I promise you, sure as the sun rises every morning and light always shines through the dark, Jesus will always be faithful.

Even if we stumble over the same thing again and again. Even when we don’t feel worthy. Even when we break hearts and promises and trust, the one thing we can never break is His grace.

As I was thinking about this theme of Faithful, I immediately thought of Great is Thy Faithfulness. But I didn’t want to be too cliche, too obvious. So I was in the middle of writing about new mercies and His faithfulness when my best friend texted me. She knew I was dealing with some hard things and sent me a verse. When I looked it up, this is what I read.

“Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me. But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.””
Lamentations 3:19-24

Sweet ones, God is faithful. He never stops pursuing us. He never stops displaying His love. He never stops reminding us that He is for us and that He is surrounding us and that He is never ceasing, if we just awaken our hearts to His.

So when someone asks you, “Is God in this moment?” I hope you always say yes. Because He is. In your darkest times. In the text message from a friend. In the everyday moments and in the defining moments. In every single thing. Because He’s faithful. He’s ever present and never failing. And He uses it all to point back to Him.

When you get tripped up, when your flesh fails, when things fall apart, He, your portion, will pour His mercy all over you, right over your broken pieces, straight into the cracked places, so that all that bleeds out of you is His love. For His glory.

Great is Thy faithfulness.