Dear satan, You Win

Dear satan,

You win.

You’re right.  I’ll never be a size zero.  And yes, my thighs will probably always touch.

But I’ve learned how to endure through pain by working out.  Which has taught me something about my selfishness and laziness : I never want them to be reasons why I don’t do something.

I probably won’t marry a billionaire, or ever inherit enough money to “do whatever I want”.

But I know how to budget what I have.  I literally have watched God keep his promises in giving me more than I could ask for or imagine (Ephesians 3:20) and there are so many things that I have that are worth more than money.

Sometimes I do embarrass myself when I talk too fast.  And yes, I struggle with stuttering.

But its showed me that I care TOO much about what people think of me, and not enough about what God thinks of me.  Once I stop thinking about what others are thinking, I always remember what God is trying to say through me and I won’t let speech impediments stop that.

I’ve reached the end of my growing, so yes, I’m forever stuck at 5’’2.  I’ll never be taller than that.

But I am practicing art of walking in high heels.  And I’m quite sure I’ll have great calves because of it.

I can’t wipe my freckles off of my face, and no, makeup doesn’t cover them all– I’ve tried that.

But when I think about how God doesn’t make mistakes, I remember how he placed each freckle exactly where he wanted it.  In the summer-time, he places even more, which means he’s constantly thinking of me, because I’m constantly getting new ones.

Yes, I’m really scared that I’ll fail.

But if I never fail, how will I ever succeed in learning what success is?

No, I’m not perfect.

You win.

But, I can’t do this anymore.  I can’t play these games.  It’s like you’re trying to teach me a new language, but you’re matching words with the wrong meanings.

So you win the battle of “mean”, but you don’t win me.

I need to start being kinder to myself.  Because for some reason, satan, I’ve let you bully me for far too long.  Somewhere in the mix of believing God has good things for His children, I forgot that I am a child of God.

All those good things are for me too.

I’m showing myself grace.

You will always win when you try to make me to focus on the things that I cannot change.

But, I see it now.  I see how you try to make me focus on the things that I cannot change, so that I won’t focus on what God is changing.

You win the battle of being mean, because starting today, I’m going to be kind to myself.

So, satan, I feel sorry for you.  You’re really good at winning at the wrong things.

xo

Anna Filly