Trapped

I was raised in a Christian home and went to a private Christian school up until I moved out here to Virginia. When I was 9 years old, I gave my heart, soul, and love to Jesus – one of the best decisions I have ever made. However, when I was 8 years old, I fell into the hole of pornography and masturbation, and it was one of the worst decisions I have ever made.

I have been trapped by it for 8 years of my life, and if I’m going to be completely honest here, it’s been a real struggle. I mean, of course it is, every sin is. But for me, it’s really, really hard. There have been moments when my youth pastor asked the question, “What is your biggest sin?” and the word porn pops into my head without a second thought.
There are moments when I doubt God is working in my life to help me overcome it.
Moments when I just want to scream out and tell the whole world.
Which I guess is what I am doing now…

The first time I ever said it out loud was during youth group to my best friend, Sandra, (hey girl hey!) and man, that was hard. I didn’t cry, but there were definitely tears filling up my eyes and blurring my vision. I couldn’t even look at Sandra when I said the words “I struggle with porn,” because I was that ashamed of myself.

The second time I said it out loud was after the Be Free Retreat this past April. That was a heavy weight off my chest. I could actually, almost physically, feel like I could breathe again. God has brought me through other things, but it’s the one thing that has had its grip on me for so many years that it felt to amazing to finally get it out. Finally saying it in front of 40 people was about a thousand times easier than telling my own family.

Persevering

The truth is…

I am still battling this.

I haven’t looked at anything in about a month though, because I am grounded and I don’t have my phone to tempt me or any means of accessing anything. Thank you, Mom. Something that I have been told is that you need to tell your closest friends and family. If you don’t, then no one can try to help you. Jesus says that we are to carry one another’s burdens and be accountable for one another.

Sweet friends, if you are too scared to tell someone that you are close to about your struggles, then you will never be truly free.

It’s painful, it’s a struggle, and it’s hard, but it’s so worth it.

I had to tell the boy that I love about my struggle with porn and masturbation, even though I didn’t want to, but I had to. If he found out any other way, I would’ve never been able to talk to him about it. I felt this sense of relief come off of me when I said it, and he took it amazingly. Friends, he wasn’t mad. He wasn’t grossed out, and he didn’t run. He stayed, he supported me, and he continues to love me through it. The same situation happened with my Mom. She wasn’t mad and she didn’t hurt me. She stayed and she loves me through it, and that is more than I could ever ask for.

Free

The FaceBook post I wrote in the DELIGHT & Be group:

This week at the retreat, the theme was freedom. Freedom from sin, shame, etc. I’ve been struggling with pornography and masturbation since I was 8 (masturbation since I was about 14, not so much 8). Yesterday morning, Kristin brought out boards that said, “I am leaving behind…” and “I want to go toward…” and I wrote “shame” on the first one.

After I walked back to my seat, I just fell apart. There were tears streaming down my face and mascara literally all over my cheeks and eyes. But they weren’t just sad tears, no, they were tears of joy and freedom because I have been set free from those chains. The chains that have been weighing me down for half of my life. Chains that I never thought I could be released from. But God showed me grace and mercy and filled my heart with joy, love, and happiness.

I want to thank God and Kristin Wall for making the theme Freedom. I really needed this. I’ve prayed and prayed about it before, but this is the first time it has ever felt like something has changed. I had so much fun this weekend and I loved meeting you all.

I want to thank all the people who decided to share with me that they struggle with the same thing, you know who you are.

Thank you, I love you.

~ Maddy

 

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Photo by Moriah Sutton