Libertas {Be Loved with Kristin}

by: Karissa Carlson

For as long as I can remember, I have felt that I needed to “improve myself”, that me wasn’t enough. I needed to be someone better, someone more talented, more beautiful, more athletic, just more perfect. I have been unwilling to accept myself and who God made me. Comparing myself to others and society’s ideas about success and beauty only fueled the fire of self reprimand and perfectionism. I reached my breaking point one year ago. I could no longer live and think this way; I was miserable.

In November of last year, I entered treatment for depression and an eating disorder. It was the most frightening thing I’ve ever had to do. I had to finally face my struggles head on. I realized that I needed to learn who God truly was and how He felt about me. The treatment center I went to was Christian based, and I had amazing support and guidance during the four weeks I was there. God began to speak to me. He showed me just being Karissa was enough. The tremendous amount of guilt and shame I felt because of my eating disorder and the mistakes I’ve made was lifted off.

After returning from treatment, I channeled what I was learning and struggling with into my art. During that time I was working on my collegiate senior thesis in photography. The year long project began as a conceptual piece about memories and dreams, and by the end of the year it ended up being about my own recovery process. The series of images addressed the ever present tension between wanting to be perfect and blameless and my need for self acceptance and forgiveness. Through combining elements of color, light, costume, and environment, I explored the themes of freedom and captivity, redemption and sin, forgiveness and shame, and beauty and chaos. I decided to entitle the project, Libertas meaning freedom in Latin. I photographed women primarily in natural or disheveled environments, in order to convey the vulnerable state of renewal and personal growth I was in. Each photograph is inspired by either a particular event in my life or by my feelings toward a particular experience. The scriptures I was reading began to resonate with me, such as Psalm 34:5, “Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.” and 2 Corinthians 4:16-17 which states, “Whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”

If I could sum up all that I have learned in this past year throughout my recovery and through my photography, it would be grace. I now know God’s grace is more than sufficient for me (2 Corinthians 12:9). No matter what mistakes I make, what I struggle with, or how inadequate I feel, God has shown me that He has covered it all. His love and acceptance is not based on conditions or merit, and He loves us unconditionally just as we are.

Carlson, 22, is currently studying to receive her Bachelor of Arts in Photography from the Evergreen State College in Olympia, Washington. She considers herself a “people” photographer and enjoys portraiture, wedding, and conceptual fine art work. In addition to photography, Karissa is a track and field athlete who also enjoys any type of sport or outdoor activity. After receiving her degree, she plans to continue to pursuing photography as a profession and any other adventures God has in store for her! https://www.facebook.com/karissacarlsonphoto