{Be Loved} An Imperfect Word on Perfectionism

by: Kerri Lynn Hamm

Perfectionism is a stronghold.

It’s been a part of my life as long as I can remember. I was thinking about writing this blog entry, and I realized perfectionism is such an unfair thing that we do to ourselves. We’ll always fail trying to be perfect. So we’re setting ourselves up for a trap of self-disappointment, as we run on this hamster- wheel cycle which never ends. We are not called to be perfect. That’s the truth. We cannot expect something of ourselves that only God can be.

But how to become comfortable to embrace our humanity, our fallenness, the cracks? The shadows in our hearts that are revealed in the light?

I think that I started an achievement, performance-oriented life when I was in middle school. A time when I was very insecure, and needed to throw myself into something, to distract from the way I felt about myself. Some redeeming act to place value on who I was. So I turned to school. I loved school and loved learning, so it seemed like a natural fit.

I never grew up feeling un-loved. To the contrary, I felt over-loved. I felt as I was undeserving of the amount my parents loved me. If they only knew I wasn’t perfect.

Ironically enough, in my childhood I fought against carrying the label “perfect.”

My uncle called me “perfect one” and inside I would scream! The weight of the label, was more than I could bear.

My high school guidance counselor assessed my 4.0 GPA and suggested the “perfect” route for me was to apply to an ivy league school. And again, inside I screamed! I knew I couldn’t compete like that, I would crumble in that environment.

I didn’t want to be perfect by the world’s standards, but somewhere deep within, I wanted to be perfect by my own standards.

I always felt good working hard, achieving, getting good grades, doing the “right” thing… Until one day in college, when my world fell apart.

It hit me during my junior year in college sitting in my Reading class that I no longer wanted to be an elementary school teacher. This hamster wheel I was on didn’t feel like it used to. I was nervous about stepping into a classroom, my classmates were all excited. I was terrified. When I realized I didn’t know what to do anymore, I felt directionless, and I became anxious. How can I keep performing if I don’t know which direction to go?

My anxiety then made me feel depressed, for the first time in my life.

After leaving school for a semester, I discovered the problem. I hadn’t paid attention to my own wishes and desires long enough to know what I wanted. I was focused on performing and pleasing. During this time in my life, God called me to be free. He showed me that this road had an end. I needed to start listening to the voices within me, more than those outside of me.
I picked up my camera, went to many gardens, and Click. I kept seeing beauty even when my life looked dark. Click.

Kept doing this thing I felt driven to do. Click. Never thought it would become a career. Click.

But God had bigger plans.

I went back to college with a vision to pursue photography and the digital arts. It looked scary, but somehow I trusted God fiercely and felt closer to Him than ever before.

He freed me. Don’t get me wrong, I still struggle with perfectionism. But now, I have seen there is another way.

Photographing people and weddings has become a joy in my life, a path I could have never taken before. It’s risky, it’s scary. I create good work because I’m inspired to. Clients hire me not because of my GPA, but because of the heart with which I do my work.

It’s all about the passion, the joy! I can’t ever be perfect.

When I try to “perfect” myself as a photographer, it keeps me from entering the joy. And I’m convinced the joy is what brings me any success in the first place. God has showed me that the lights that I carry pale in comparison to the light in my heart.

It has never been about the “right” path or the “right” thing.

It’s always been about learning to love myself, and experiencing the endless love of Jesus. And when I’m full, to overflow that love into others’ lives.

I’m most effective in my calling when I’m not perfect.

Even now, as I write this, the words may not be perfect, but they’re felt, and they’re real. And that makes all the difference.

I want to now pray a prayer for you that I still pray for myself. I pray that you – beautiful, imperfect you! – know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you are filled with all the fullness of God, and that love flows into your life, deeper, wider and higher than ever before. That it breaks down the walls of perfectionism and fills your heart with His peace and joy.

“Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly, abundantly, above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever.
Amen.” (-Ephesians 3:20)