{Be Loved} GRACE
by: Anna Anderson
Growing up, I had a very limited perception of what grace was. I thought it was for good people who called themselves christians and that it wasn’t something that applied to my life. I grew up in an environment where grace was not something I ever clearly understood and was not often talked about. I knew there was something called “grace” and it had to do with Jesus. That’s about it. Grace was a long way off. Not for me.
People who are close to our family know that I was always the more um, outspoken one between my twin sister and I. We were often viewed as a “pair” or “the twins” for the longest time. It was hard to find my identity as I navigated through life. I still remember my mother coming home fuming mad from a parent-teacher conference in which my middle school english teacher could not remember who was who between my sister and I. I always felt pressure to do as well or better than my sister if she excelled at a certain subject or activity where (looking back now), those were obvious areas of strength for her, not me. I always found myself getting into “trouble” more often than she, because I had a tongue and I liked to use it to talk back. I often felt I needed to defend myself, lost amidst the confusion of why I wasn’t as good as she was.
It has taken me years to come to an understanding that God made me me, not her. He gave me a voice and opinions and passions that are unique to me; qualities and strengths (and weaknesses) that are no one else’s but my own. I often felt like I had to apologize for who I was–my calling and giftings would not earn me a doctorate (even though that would have been nice), or even a long running career in just one field (ha).
I guess what I’m trying to get at is this:
Guilt.
I’ve carried guilt over comparing myself to others, I’ve carried the weight of always wondering “did I make my parents proud?” And more recently, “am I a good enough mother? Wife?” It seems I’ve always been looking and asking…
Am I good enough?
Deep inside, I think we all ask that question whether we realize it or not. The feelings may not come out in words or on blog posts or for years…but it’s there. Especially as women, geesh, we add the pressures of body image, etc., and it becomes a never-ending vicious cycle.
God–in His amazing, amazing grace, has been restoring my heart with this matter for a while now. Coming to a place of acceptance and realization that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, right here, right now, has been so freeing. I’m learning to get quiet and ask myself what voices (media, magazines, etc.,) I’m allowing myself to listen to, and if those voices are really speaking truth. Will I look like (latest flavor-of-the-month celebrity here) if I just eat this, wear that or do that? NO. Heck, I write about fashion events and trends nearly every week! You think I have a bit of an image issue? YES. It’s a battle we as women (and men, really), fight everyday.
Self-confidence is a work in progress. Being a parent is a work in progress. As is being a better spouse. God will work in it and through it, if we allow Him. This life is a work in progress. And how is all of this possible?
Grace.
