{Be Real} Chasing Light.

My journal pages have been covered with one topic lately. Discontent.

I could contrive all sorts of beautiful words to paint you a picture of gratitude and awe and wonder but I’m reminding myself that this little corner is about being real and I want to live up to that.

The honest truth? I’m struggling with what I don’t have. 

I went through a season of really dwelling in where God had me and truly being okay with it.

But now, when I least expected it, it’s like a wave of discontentment keeps crashing into me. Over and over and over.

Glimpses of the life I imagine. Reminders that I feel stuck in a place I don’t want to be.

I’m working very hard to move forward. To earn a bit of extra income so I can afford to make the next steps towards my dreams, towards my future.

And it’s been a struggle. 

I made a small goal. To make a certain amount of extra income in the month of March, in addition to my day job. Given that my side businesses haven’t had much traffic yet this year, it was a bit of a lofty goal. But I set it.

And I immediately started doubting I could achieve it. I felt overwhelmed by how much work it would take and how little time I had.

Do you ever feel the weight of the struggle pushing inside your chest? I literally felt the heaviness, the distance between Now and that perfect Then, the responsibility I put on myself to cover all that ground myself, the struggle for control.

I stepped outside, bare feet wandering through the grass. When I let myself and my circumstances edge out every other good thing, the only cure I have is to get outside. To breathe Him in. To reconnect with Him and my heart. To see Him in every little thing.

I wandered and the yard around my house, trying to shake weight of the responsibility that has never been mine to take, trying to release the control, trying to trust His ways. Trying to be thankful for everything I already have.

The sun was setting and it was getting colder, but there was one little patch of light left. So I went to it. I planted my feet in that fiery sliver of sunlight and turned my face to the sun.

Find the light. Chase the light. There will be times when everything seems dark. When the world seems gray and lonely and desolate, keep your face titled toward the light. He’s there. He’s always there. He’s in all of it.

That last bit of sunshine on a Saturday.

The sweet giggles of my baby nephew.

The way the clouds turn violet right before it rains.

Lazy Saturday mornings spent over coffee and conversation.

The way my guy kisses my cheek when I’m not expecting it.

The invitation to dinner from a friend.

Driving with the windows down  on the first nice day of the year.

The sound of birds singing outside my window in the morning.

He’s in all of it. 

When you look at your moments and your days with wonder at the Orchestrater of it all, everything becomes lighter. Peace reigns because the Creator and what He is creating is much greater than the troubles of our hearts.

A few days after my barefoot wanderings, I got an email offering me a two day gig that would pay 90% of the goal I set for the following month. And I think my exact words were, “God is so good and He just amazes me.”

And He does. He’s always working on our behalf. Even when we don’t feel it. And that alone is worth all of our amazement and awe.

Find the little strands of light streaming into your life and wake up to the wonder, to the Maker of all of your moments. It will change everything.

What are some of things that bring awe to life for you? I’d love to hear in the comments. :)