Suicide: Hope through the darkness
by Tori Watson
www.marvelousthingsphotoblog.com
Suicide was not something I ever really felt the gravity of until January 11th, 2013. I had seen it in movies, sure, and heard about it on the news, and I did know of a teenage boy who had been in my homeschool group who took his life several years ago. That was the closest it had ever been to “personal” for me, but even so, I didn’t really know him. It wasn’t my inner circle. I’ve always been sad to hear about it, sad that others could be so oppressed by darkness and hopelessness, and sad for families who lost someone. But in so many ways it was just a word. Like poverty, or homelessness, or murder. Terrible and sad things, but not much more than news headlines in my incredibly blessed and sheltered little corner of the world.
But just over two short months ago, only one month after losing my grandma to a 7-year battle with cancer, which had been the first close loss in my life, suicide became very, very real. At 6:00 am on January 11th I got a phone call from my Mom that I could have never predicted, or ever been prepared for: my cousin Jesse had taken his life. A cousin less than a year older than me, with 4 children under the age of 10. A 27 year old man who had so much of his life ahead of him. A cousin from the same side of the family that had just lost a grandma. In utter shock and immediate despair, I sobbed with my Mom as I held my phone and tried to comprehend the words she just told me. Jesse was gone. I would never see him again. His kids would never see him again. How could this be real life?
Waves of guilt and sadness swept over me in the coming hours and days as I tried to process this reality. Could I have done more to show him he was loved? Could I have said more to show him there was a real source of Hope in life? I felt sure that I could have. My heart was ripped up by these thoughts, and it took many days of struggling through it. Somedays I still am. But God has ultimately released me from taking on blame, because truly no one can accept responsibility for a tragedy like this, for someone else’s actions. That didn’t make it all instantly go away, and that didn’t make me stop asking Him “why”, though. There are no easy answers for this, no perfect or immediate comfort. But even in the midst of that ongoing struggle, I’ve chosen to let it drive me, instead of shut me down. To focus on not missing opportunities in the future. To be bolder with love and the hope found in Jesus. I felt, and still feel, deep, deep sadness knowing that his last moments must have been so dark. So very hopeless that he either decided life was so terrible that nothing was as bad as living one more day, or that everyone was somehow better off without him. Both of which are complete lies.
Ladies, please know that there is an enemy out to steal, lie, and destroy. He plagues us with hopelessness and darkness, seeks to depress us so that we’re so beaten down we can’t hear the voice of the Lord reminding us of what’s true. And his ultimate goal is to take our life, and separate us from God. But please, please don’t listen to that enemy. The Lord always gives hope, and no matter how awful and hurtful this world can be, He is constant in love, forgiveness, mercy and hope. Nothing is beyond redemption, and no situation beyond hope. That’s something my cousin didn’t know, and I’m heartbroken because of it. There was a large turnout for his funeral, more than the “standing room only” could even accommodate. If only Jesse had known how loved he was. If only he had known there was support for even the worst of situations. If only.
The pain of this loss is stinging my heart even as I write this post. It’s still a fresh wound, that I will never fully understand. I don’t know why some people experience such darkness, and I wish desperately that I could go back and change things. But I can’t. All I can do is tell any of you who may be hearing these lies of the enemy, not to listen. But to hear the word of the Lord, instead. To cling to this promise: “It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” (Deut 31:8) And because of that, to say “The Lord is my portion, therefore I will hope in him.” (Lam 3:24)
You never, ever know how much someone might be hurting. How desperately they may need to hear even the tiniest word of hope or encouragement, or experience simple kindness. Or maybe that’s how you feel right now. But please hear me: you are not alone, ever. Or without hope, ever. And every single one of you has a life more valuable than you could ever know, that is interwoven with many, many lives around you. Don’t let the enemy tell you otherwise. Let this urge us to reach out in love and hope, as often as possible. I know I can’t control what other people go through, but I CAN be a vessel of the hope and light found in Christ. He’s the ONE constant in life, who will always be there, and even His dimmest light completely destroys the darkest of nights. Whatever you or others around you may be facing, trust that, and trust Him.
