Draw Back, or Draw Near

I still remember the feeling, even though I was only 15 years old. I remember sitting in church, in that auditorium, and wishing I could disappear, wishing I could sink right into the floor.

The pastor was talking about discipleship, and that a real disciple of Jesus would read their bible every day. And many weeks I hadn’t lived up to that standard. I felt ashamed. I felt like there were dirty spots on my soul. And I felt that I had failed God. How can I sit here in church like this?

I realize now that what I was experiencing wasn’t healthy – but it produced shame inside me.

A shame that whispered the lie that I had to do something to earn God’s love and favor and be righteous before Him.

A shame that told me I wasn’t enough to come before Him just as I was.

And even as an adult, I’ve had those moments. You know, those moments you sit in the pew and think about your report card and feel deep in your soul, Oh, God, I messed up again. I don’t deserve to be here. I did something impure. I said something unkind. I was an anxious mess again. I haven’t been trusting you. I have been selfish. I haven’t spent the time with you that you deserve.

It’s when we behold the holiness of God that we realize how unholy we really are.

We see that our souls have spots on them. We see that we are broken. We see all the places that we have failed to be righteous because we have made other things God instead of God Himself.

In those moments we’re not feeling holy and righteous…we have a choice. A critical choice.

Draw back, or draw near.

Drawing back is easy. It’s easy just to slip away, slip something in our souls away from God and convince ourselves that we can’t be close to Him with our brokenness. Convince ourselves that we’re unlovable because of those spots on our soul. And continue behavior that is less than holy because, we’re already too messed up for God.

But the harder thing – the one God calls us to – is when you don’t feel you can draw near, draw near anyway.

We can draw near because of Christ, not because of us. Ephesians 2:13 says,

“But now in Christ Jesus you who were once far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ.”

This is what makes grace so amazing, the fact that Christ freely brings us near when we least deserve to be near. He makes us holy in our most unholy moments. God gave His son for us so we could become righteousness.

“For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.”
-2 Corinthians 5:21

This is what’s so revolutionary, something I didn’t understand as a 15 year old sitting in that pew, and something I still struggle to understand at times.

Holiness and righteousness isn’t about me. It’s about Him.

It’s not about my efforts to read the bible and be a good person. It’s not about my perfection and trying to please God and be good enough for Him. It’s when we get trapped in that kind of thinking that we don’t understand who Jesus is, and what He’s freely giving to us.

When He looks at us, He sees us as holy – and He covers us. What joy we can have in that, girls!

“I will greatly rejoice in the LORD,
My soul shall be joyful in my God;
For He has clothed me with the garments of salvation,
He has covered me with the robe of righteousness,
As a bridegroom decks himself with ornaments,
And as a bride adorns herself with jewels.”
-Isaiah 61:10

Because Christ covers us, that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t pursue holiness. To just rely on Christ to always cover us isn’t the attitude that keeps us near to His heart.

Paul says that while we’re on this earth, we should strive for to take hold of that for which Christ took hold of us. We should run our race here on earth with intention and purpose.

“Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may obtain it. And everyone who competes for the prize is temperate in all things. Now they do it to obtain a perishable crown, but we for an imperishable crown.”
– 1 Corinthians 9:24-25

We won’t be perfect at being holy, but we must strive to be holy anyway.

Because holiness is who God is – and it’s more of God that our souls need, it’s more of God that we long for.

It’s only God’s light that shatters the darkness of our hearts and makes us more like Him. And into who we were created to be.

I was listening to a book by Tim Keller recently, The Meaning of Marriage, and he referenced the moment we stand before God in heaven. One day, we’ll see Him in all His glory, in all His majesty, with all His light and beauty – a magnitude of light that we can’t even fathom here on earth. And it’s in that moment – amidst all that light – that we can hear those words from our God, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

Imagining that moment brings me to tears. I really want God to look at me and tell me well done. Not perfectly done. But well done. I now know He loves me just as I am. But because I love Him, I just want Him to be a really proud dad when I see Him face to face.

Well done.

It’s that moment that we live for, it’s that moment that helps us to pursue righteousness and holiness. Because the reward is standing in that light with our Jesus forever.

First Image Credit: Derek Cole; Second Image Credit: Kerri Lynne Hamm