Stephanie Doyle Testimony

Stephanie Doyle’s testimony
As of May 2013
From Weak to Strong

During my childhood there were a lot of people who hurt me. I let their words and actions beat me down, define me, and make me weak. I hated others, hated myself and couldn’t find strength. I thought I was worthless. No one cared about me to treat me with love and respect. Everything that happened weighed on me, made me weaker and weaker.

To go back some I’ll let you know how my mother and father met. My mom was in her late teens, early twenties. She had very low self-esteem. She didn’t really date anyone and craved the attention of a boy. One day she was at a dance and a man asked her to dance. While they danced he asked her to marry him. She…said…yes. Yup, that’s right. Their first time meeting she said yes.

So they got married and soon after my mom had my brother, then me, then another brother and eventually my third brother. When I was 5 years old my older brother said something to my aunt that made her have to call the cops on my dad. They found out he had been sexually abusing us. All of us except my baby brother. He was a very sick man and my mom didn’t know. She didn’t know what was happening to us when she wasn’t around. She didn’t know he had committed that same crime in California to a son he had before he met her or possibly to other children. My dad went to jail where he stayed for 19 years….and I ended up with a weight added to my life. A weight added on my shoulders at the young age of 5 that would affect many areas in my life from then on. A weight that now labeled me as sexually abused.

Eventually my mom met another man and she got remarried when I was 9. He was also not a nice man. He worked as a corrections officer at a jail and unfortunately came home and treated us like his inmates. He was a mental abuser. Always putting us down, threatening us and screaming at us. Since he was an officer he had a gun that he kept locked upstairs. At times he would even remind us that he had one. Which made me deathly afraid of guns. Whenever I did have the guts to stick up to my step dad, I had to run like my life depended on it (as I thought it did). Luckily my aunt lived down the street so I always ran there. My self-esteem was almost non-existent at this point. His mental abuse added more weight to my life, and more weight on my shoulders. Weight that labeled me as mentally abused.

The only good thing my stepdad gave our family was my two sisters. The 1st one was born when I was 11 years old. I was so excited! Not only to FINALLY have a sister, but I also loved babies! Being older, I was able to help take care of her. I think my stepdad took notice and decided to take advantage of that. When he came home from work in the evenings, my mom would go off to work nights. He would tell me it was my responsibility to take care of my sister because he already worked all day. So that’s what happened. He went upstairs to his room and I had the baby. At 11 years old. Two years later my second sister was born. Still I was to take care of them when my mom went to work. Now I was a 13 year old taking care of a toddler and a baby. I didn’t have a lot of time to make friends and my self-esteem was even lower so it didn’t matter anyway.

Eventually my stepdad left my mom for another woman and I had to help take care of my sisters more and more. I didn’t get to do much of what a child is supposed to do. I was forced to grow up quick with no signs of stopping. I lost my childhood early and that just added another weight to my shoulders, a weight that labeled me as having a lost childhood.

At this point we had already moved way too many times, mainly because we would end up being evicted. I had moved 14 times in my childhood. Soon after my stepdad left, I couldn’t take it anymore. On top of all the responsibilities I had at home, my three brothers just tortured me. I was miserable at school and I couldn’t even go home to escape from it. I couldn’t get away from being made fun of. So after talking to my aunt I made the decision to move in with her to try and have some place to go to get away from it all. From all the unnecessary responsibility, from all the torture and from more added weight on my shoulders. Weights that labeled me to have no escape from grief and to have unnecessary responsibility.

Now I thought living with my aunt would be better. In some ways it was. I was actually being disciplined there. I wasn’t with my mom. I believe my mom felt so guilty about what happened to us and on top of that she was a very tired mom of six kids. Of course I didn’t like discipline, I mean come on! I was a teenager! I had a curfew which I hated and if I was 1 minute I was grounded. If I did the slightest thing wrong I always felt they blew it all out of proportion. But looking back it was what I needed. Looking back I wish I had the discipline my whole life. I wouldn’t be struggling with some of the things I struggle with as an adult. So please go home and thank your parents for setting rules and limits, no matter how unfair you think they are. Then do your best to follow them. You will thank them and be grateful later.

So that was the good thing about living with my aunt. There were also not some good things. One of the things my aunt liked to do was lie to make herself look better. She lied about what kind of money they had, lied about things she accomplished, lied about a lot. On top of that she was, and unfortunately still is, the queen of gossip. She would not only let everyone know everyone else’s business, but she always changed the story so she would look good. Unfortunately since I had low self-esteem, (which apparently my aunt did, too) thanks to her example I developed the habit of crating stories or exaggerating them to make me look good. Sometimes I would say them out loud to see how people would react, but most of the time I would dream about a better life. I would wonder why I had to live through all I have lived through. Why me? So all the lying and gossiping my aunt did, made me want to leave and move back to my mom’s when I was 16. I hated my life and there was no stable place for me to be. So more weights were added to my shoulders. Weights that labeled me as hating my life and having no stable place to live.

By that point I had been dating a boy in school named Bobby. We started dating when I was 13. (I won’t go into our relationship but wanted you to know we are still together more than 18 years later and got married in 2007!) Well, Bobby grew up in this church. He would mention it every now and then but never pushed his religion on me. I thought I believed in God, but also wondered why he made my life just stink! I grew up going to a Catholic church off and on, but was never made to go. Since that’s all I knew I didn’t really want to go to church.

One Easter when I was 17, Bobby asked me to go to church because he was ushering and he wanted me to see him. I told him I wasn’t ready to go. Well, right before church started I decided to go to surprise him. I couldn’t believe how different it was. I wasn’t sure about people raising their hands, but I LOVED the music! I thought music in church was supposed to be boring, but this was amazing. I loved music so that totally grabbed me! It made the wheels turn in my head as to what else church had to offer, but it was a slow process for me. I ended up going to college that following Fall and I focused on school and work. I would go to church once in a while and slowly went more and more.

When I was 21 I ended up realizing some things. First off I always felt I had a good conscience and a bad conscience. (You know a good one on one shoulder and the bad one on the other?) I always felt led most of the time to follow the good side.

What I realized is it was God the whole time.

He made me realize that people who hurt others have been hurt themselves, so I needed to forgive. Forgive the people who hurt me.

I realized God protected me when I was being sexually abused. He helped me feel comfortable talking about it. He had my back. He is holding that weight so I didn’t have to anymore.

I realized he protected me when I was being mentally abused. He is holding that weight so I didn’t have to anymore.

I realized that when I felt like I lost my childhood and had unnecessary responsibilities, God was preparing I realized that when I felt like I lost my childhood and had unnecessary responsibilities, God was preparing me for the future and career with children I would have. He took those weights off my shoulders.

I realized that when I hated my life with no stable place or person, God gave me Bobby, which led to my church and my church family. God took those weights off my shoulders, too!
So after realizing that God wasn’t the one hurting me, but protecting me from the people who had, I gave my life to the Lord! Once I did that I felt all the weight lift off my shoulders. God was carrying it for me. He always had but since I didn’t know Him I let it weigh on me, too. Now I knew God was my strength.

In Psalm 18:1-2 it says “I love you, Lord; you are my strength. The Lord I my rock, my fortress and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety.” MY PLACE OF SAFETY!!! Wow!
Psalm 28:7 says “The Lord is my strength and shield.”
Philippians 4:13 says “For I can do anything through Christ, who gives me strength.” (ANYTHING!)

Strength is mentioned a lot in the bible 242 times, not counting the use of different versions of the word used throughout. So it is very clear that God wants us to give our burdens to Him. He will take the weight off of us. IF WE LET HIM!
Now I want to mention that just because God is my strength and the weights have been lifted off of me, all these things are still very much a part of me. God used all those hurts that others have done to me, and has used them for good. He has used them to mold me into who I am today and I wouldn’t change any of it. It also doesn’t stop hard things from happening. As an adult I have had 3 miscarriages. But guess what? God held me up? Bobby has been laid off twice. But guess what? God held us up and provided for us. Since I knew God and had a relationship with Him I knew He had my back. I knew He would be my strength when I felt I didn’t have any more. He held the weights for me.

He can do that for you, too!

All of you have dealt with something in your life that may feel so heavy on you. It could be abuse. It could be parents who aren’t there. It could be pressure to be perfect. It could that you are being bullied. It could be so many things! I want to tell you God can lift it off of you. You just need to ask.
I ask you, I challenge you to make that step today. No matter if you have asked God into your heart before or not. If you feel you need strength then kneel down and ask God to be your strength, to be your rock, your shield and your place of safety. Don’t hesitate anymore. Get on your knees. Don’t let everything weigh on your own shoulders anymore.

LET GOD BE YOUR STRENGTH!