To all Moms of daughters. . .
Delight & Be’s tagline is REAL. RAW. RELEVANT. The past two weeks, I have shared about being REAL & RAW. Today, let’s chat about what it means to be RELEVANT. This word is a biggie! I like keeping things real and raw, but if they aren’t relevant, the girls aren’t going to listen. As I write this, I feel led to write it to all moms of daughters.
First of all, let me share with you that I KNOW from personal experience that being a mom of a teen daughter is probably one of the greatest challenges you will ever face. I get it and I KNOW from first hand experience. It will leave you on the bathroom floor in a puddle of tears crying out to God to intervene & give you wisdom. It will bring joy and pain. I read an article from the New York Times yesterday called “The Emotional Whiplash of Parenting a Teenager.” I would highly recommend reading it as it accurately describes the push & pull of these “toddlers with hormones.” Let me just preface this with saying that I write this the best intentions because I know the feeling of rejection of a daughter and it is painful. But I can write this because we have now hit the 20’s and life does get better. . . but only because I chose not to choose rejection, but chose to know my daughter’s heart.
“Some parents, feeling too hurt by the push-off or taking their teenager’s rejections too personally, choose to make themselves unavailable. In some ways it does feel better to avoid episodes of emotional whiplash. But being unavailable comes at a cost. Unavailable parents miss out on some wonderful, if brief, moments with their teenagers. Worse, their teenagers are left without a wall to swim to and must navigate choppy waters all on their own.”
Lisa Damour
So, moms, if you are reading this. . . are you up to date on social media? Do you know about cyber-bullying? Hashtags? Do you know the signs of depression? Do you know if your daughter could have an eating disorder? Did you know that as of May of this year suicide became the leading cause of death for girls between the ages of 15-19? Did you know that five years ago 1 in 5 teenage girl was sexting? I shudder to think that it has most likely increased. WE, as parents, NEED to wake up! We need to figure out what is happening in our children’s lives & the world around them. We need to understand the way the world is NOW. . .not the way it was even a few years ago. It is very clear that girls today have more freedom and choices and yet less guidance from adults than any generation in history. And sometimes parents will bring a 1980’s solution to a 21st century problem. And it isn’t going to work!
I am so saddened every time that I have a girl reach out to me and tell me that their mom never shared with them about getting their period or they’ve never discussed sex with their parents. PLEASE stop & realize the importance of this coming from your mouth to their ears. I don’t care if it is uncomfortable. Your daughter is seeing and reading it everywhere else. . . movies, t.v., magazines, online, instagram, snapchat. She needs to hear the truth and beauty of it all from YOU! Your daughters need you to stop and just listen to them.
Put down your phone. Put your business and your “to-do” list to the side and get to know your daughter’s heart. Do you know what she ate for breakfast? Do you know what she read today? Do you know who she’s texting? Do you know what she is doing in her bedroom? Do you know what messages others are sending her? Do you know how many girls I have talked to who are cutting behind closed doors. . . in the inner thigh, so that parents don’t know and can’t see? I am heart-broken. I sat across the table having coffee with an amazing young woman last week. . .she shared with me that a classmate had tagged her in a meme on instgram that called her a “b*%C#” & all the other “popular” classmates were laughing about it. Maybe your daughter’s mood changed radically from one minute to the next because of something she saw on her phone that hurt her. I have personally experienced this as a mom. WE, as parents, need to be aware. These type of things didn’t happen five years ago. The stress these girls are under is immense. They have so much in their face and have constant access to it. It is not uncommon for me to hear girls on a regular basis talk about wanting to end their life, or talk about their porn addiction that has led to masturbation. I am not taking what I am writing lightly. . .this is serious. These are the moms of the next generation.
These are not your “troubled girls” as the world would “label” them. These are our girls. These are girls who appear to have it all together. They are the ones who are getting the 4.0’s, the ones who are the dancers, the dreamers, the star athletes, the ones on the worship team at church.
What is happening today, right now, in your daughter’s heart? This is my heart’s passion. . . I feel like there are so many moms who don’t take time to listen, mom’s who are quick to have a solution or quick to judge. Or moms who easily bring their past into their parenting. I am not trying to preach or judge—I am a mom of a 20 year old daughter, so I have been there. I know it is not easy. But we, as mommas, need to be their biggest cheerleaders in life! We don’t have to be their “friends”, but they do need to know that we are cheering for them and are there for them 24/7. That we are there to advocate for them, that we may not have the answers, but we can point them to Jesus who is the TRUTH!! We can pray with them & listen to their hearts, thoughts, dreams, desires, pains, hurts, etc. LISTEN!! Parenting is not science. . . there is not a cookie-cutter solution for every issue that comes up. . . it is an art. And as parents, we need to be so in-tune with the Holy Spirit that we can hear His voice and be aware of what our daughters need.
I feel like we all need to band together and pray for this next generation of young women. We need to lead by example. We need to be proactive & do things that will make a difference. As moms of girls, we need to take time to evaluate our own hearts, so that we can love and lead our daughters. I am praying for all you moms out there. It is a battle. It is the hardest job I have ever done. . . but it is what God has called you to do. It is an honor and a privilege. . .even if it isn’t easy! But God didn’t call us to easy. And we may feel ill-equipped, but we aren’t if we have the Holy Spirit to lead and guide us. So next time your daughter is acting in a way that isn’t pleasing, next time that you feel rejection or hurt by her, next time you feel steam coming out of your ears, STOP & ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom and clarity in how to respond.
From one mom to another,
Kristin
